Tag Archive | Life

In Memory of:

Lolo Forever.png

No matter how many years pass I will always miss you.

You may look at this and just see a dog, I see my heart. Unless you are an animal person or don’t have children you probably won’t understand all she meant to me and how I can still be hurting over her.

 I got Lolo during a really rough time in my life, I was very depressed, full of anxiety and lonely. I had the intention of adopting an older dog because I knew I didn’t have the patience to train a puppy. I was on a waiting list at a local humane society and they called me and told me they had a puppy that was 5 months old and not in very good shape. (She came from a puppy mill) She was scared and needed someone who would give her alot of time to warm up. I cringed.. It was still a puppy in my book. But the human society lady convinced me that I was perfect for this puppy and to just meet her.

So I did. AND it was love at first sight! Lolo went home with me and I was determined to get over my anxiety and fear of training a puppy. I bought a crate to help train her, but that lasted all of 2 mins. I put her in it and she freaked out and cried and I cried. And I cuddled her and told her she would never go back in a cage and she heard me because it was like she was instantly trained (seriously, she never had an accident or crewed up anything)

hidingundercouch

My goofball hiding under the couch!

Lolo was my little lovebug she showed me how to love the simple things in life. She was always happy and goofy. She loved car rides even if it was only to the mail box, or just sitting in the window and looking outside. Once she learned to trust people again she realized she loved everyone and thought she should go to every house on our walks to say hello.

Lolo was also independent though and loved exploring whatever was around her, as long as she wasn’t alone. She hated being alone. And I felt guilty when I did leave her even though she was always in good hands (she usually spent time with family who she loved) I think it was harder for me to leave her then the other way around. She got spoiled! And had a great boyfriend who loved to hide treats for her when he missed her.

SAM_0023.JPG

She loved cuddling with anything soft. And her ears always had a way of doing whatever they wanted lol. 

Most people didn’t understand how hard it was for me to leave her. She’s just a dog they would tell me. I can’t have children and yes I know a dog isn’t the same as a child but animals are similar. They love, they can be stubborn, have various personalities, learn from the surroundings etc.

Sadly Lolo didn’t get to live a long healthy life. She only made it to 6 and became randomly ill. I will never know how or why but I am grateful I got to spend those 6 years with her and I gave everything I could to try to save her. But it didn’t work she was just to sick. It doesn’t get any easier as the years go by. But that’s what love is. 

Lolo I miss you so much. My heart still hurts that you didn’t get to live a long life. But I cherish all the memories we had, all the joy you brought me and the unconditional love you gave me. You will always be in my heart! 

SAM_0201.JPG

Lolo and Scruffy (her boyfriend) he loved her more then anything and would save and hide his treats in blankets or the couch cushions hoping that would make her come back over sooner. He also has passed. Miss you too Scruffy! 

Happy Father’s Day

I owe so much more then just a day to my Father. He gave up his life to raise me. He worked hard to make sure I had a good life, he worked nights so he could attend all my school events as a child, often times missing sleep. He always put me first and him second.

It wasn’t always easy for him, he knew nothing about raising a girl, and I look back and realize I made it pretty hard on him alot of the time. But we survived! Even if we did eat to much frozen pizza or I overfilled the washing machine to many times. I at least have memories.

I want everyone to know how lucky and grateful I am. And that I love him more then words can express! I also ask for prayers for my Dad because he is hurting and suffering (emotionally and physically) right now over major family/life decisions. Its so hard to see someone you care about suffer. Its even harder when you know how hard they have worked and how much they don’t deserve the bad they are going through.

 

Love you Daddy!

13428516_1033649320046367_9051628747986733265_n

You failed at being a Mother

 

failed-300x190

As I scroll through Facebook today its obvious its Mother’s day. Post after post of individuals writing about their mother’s, daughters and how special they are, childhood pictures, sharing memories, so much happiness right? Not always..

Mother (Verb:) to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward.

A little bit of background: I was raised by my father most of my life (and he did a wonderful job.) I wasn’t blessed with a mother who was caring, loving or even liked her children. My birth mother was and still is a drunk and druggie, who thought putting alcohol and men before her children was more important. I never referred to her as mom, even though I did remain in her life for quite a few years because of my younger sisters, and I always hoped and prayed that my good influence would help her change but it didn’t, and now that my sisters are adults  I am glad that I am free from her drama.

But even though she didn’t raise me, I don’t refer to her has mom, and she was a horrible influence she did teach me a few things, now that I am in my 30’s I felt a need to end this chapter in my life and wrote a closure letter to ease my heart.


 

R-

I looked up the definition of Mother for you. One of them is being a Verb:to care for or protect although you have done neither of those in my lifetime, and you pretty much failed at being a mother, you have taught me a few things.

You taught me how horrible alcohol and drugs are. You have spent your whole life putting those 2 things first, before your children, your health, everything. I’ve seen it destroy you. (And now its destroying B.) But I was lucky because of you, I learned to stay away from drugs/alcohol.

You also taught me to be a stronger person. My whole life you put me down to build yourself up, you made me feel weak like I couldn’t survive. But I am, and honestly I’m doing so much better now because I have the weight lifted off me from all your negativity.

I learned the importance of family, relationships and friendships. I was there for my sisters! I gave up a lot for them, and I would do anything for them. THAT is what love is. What have you done for them? Besides offer them alcohol and weed? I spent many years trying to form a relationship with you for my sisters sake, and because I hoped you would change. I even convinced myself that as you got older you had to change because that’s part of growing up. But your selfish, always acting like a victim to make others feel sorry for you. I’m glad to be done with that part of my life. I have actual friendships, with people now that don’t involve guilt trips it involves 2 people working equally.

And most importantly, you taught me its ok to not have a Mother. Because I had a great Father who worked extra hard and was always there for me. I am happy with who I turned out to be.

-A

 


 

If you are without a mother my heart goes out to you. I also want to send my heart out to all the Mom’s who have babies in Heaven, and all the ladies trying to be Mother’s as I know this day is hard. My only baby is a Heaven baby ❤ 

My Blogger Confession

Do you ever wonder why you are doing what you do? I never thought I’d end up writing product reviews, blogging, working online. Actually to be honest I dislike the internet even though I spend way to much time on it most days. I spend hours arguing with it and in the long run it usually ends up winning.

As a child I grew up on a farm and hated the country life, I envied my friends who got to live in the city, I felt secluded and sheltered. As I got older I did enjoy the peace and quiet of the country life but I always knew I belonged in the city. I knew that I was a big city girl at heart. So I moved to the city, yet always ended up back in the country.

Fast forward to many years later of trying to MAKE my life into a life of exactly what I wanted. Because really isn’t that what we all want? The perfect dream? Obviously it all is different, some of us want families, some of us want to travel, etc. We just want to be happy. The difference is you can’t force it. I tried for so many years to make my life into sometime it wasn’t. I wanted a family, ended up chronically ill and can’t have children anymore.

I never in a million years pictured my life the way it is now, but that is ok because this is who I was meant to be! But want to know a secret? I hate writing. And I hate the internet. But I think this is my path, and I think I will learn as I go and I will get better at it. Who are you meant to be? Don’t be scared of that person!

-AmandaSue